After we lost our baby Beckham,the doctors told us exactly what we would have to do when we wanted to have another baby. They never did figure out if we lost Beckham because I may possibly have an incompetent cervix, or if the infection that I had put me into labor. I will never forget the room full of doctors and nurses in tears standing around me as they told me there was nothing else they could do to stop the labor. They tried all day but he was coming whether we were ready or for him or not. They told me the infection I had was so bad that even if they could get the labor to stop, the infection could kill me. Hearing this shocking news I sat there thinking of ways to possibly still somehow save him,it all felt like a bad dream but my labor just kept getting stronger and stronger.

No baby will ever replace Beckham. I love him so much and think of him often. But, I knew I wanted another baby as soon as possible. As soon as I got an ok from the doctor, that was the plan. About 4 months later I was pregnant with Krew. We knew it was not going to be easy, but we were so excited. At around 13 weeks of being pregnant I had surgery to stitch up my cervix, then around 18 weeks I started bed rest. I knew bed rest was going to be difficult, but I didn’t realize how hard it was until I did it. I tried to keep my positive attitude throughout the pregnancy. Of course there were good days and there were terrible days. It was one of the hardest things I have ever done, physically and mentally.

Growing up my Mom always had us write in journals. I am so grateful she made us do this. As soon as I started bed rest I started writing in my journal. I tried to do this every day and it helped me so much. I loved writing down all the positives in my life and everything I had to be thankful for through these difficult times. I always tried to write at least one positive thing each day. Not only did I write all of the positives but I also would write the negatives, when I was having a hard day. At first I thought it was silly to write down all of my bad experiences, but I can’t tell you how therapeutic this was for me. I am not a loud and outspoken person. I am very personal and like to keep things to myself, so this exercise was perfect for me. I would get it all out, and I would feel so much better after. Acknowledging the negative things that are going on in our lives is perfectly okay. Having a positive attitude doesn’t mean ignoring things that we may need to accept and then let go of. Life can be hard and we have every right to be sad, angry, and disappointed. Those are natural feelings. As long as we acknowledge those feelings, learn what we need to from them, and then gratefully move on. I remember around 28 weeks when we found out Krew had medical issues, I may have written about 10 pages in my journal. That was the hardest day of my pregnancy. I was so mad I wrote all of my angry and hurt feelings down. I immediately felt better, getting those thoughts out that I would otherwise have kept buried in.

I love that my Mom set such a good example for us to have journals. Journaling has helped keep me positive throughout my most difficult times. Through journaling I was able to overcome any doubts and fears I had with the pregnancy. It was a helpful tool for me to be honest with myself and my feelings. It also helped me to be thankful for all the  blessings I have in my life. If you don’t have a journal or have one but the pages are empty,  I challenge you to try it. Start today. Go grab a notebook and write down your feelings. Start simple. You will be thankful you did.

Hope on. Journey on.

Love,

Stephanie